Friday, December 31, 2010

Old Year/New Year

I can only aspire to be you.
and you know who you are... and you and you...
While y'all are all reflecting and making peace with the struggles of the past year and
making valiant and inspiring efforts at looking hopefully toward 2011

here I sit, planning my outfit
imagine this shirt in fuschia (my happy color) on my body which is about 10 lbs more than it should be
and my boots

my boots look kinda like the black upside down pair
and my earrings
for tonight.
and the food I'll make.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Fancy Schmancy

Someone please help me learn to use my camera.
Nikon D50
When the flash is not on(this is indoors in the dead of winter... only my 12 overhead kitchen lights plus the two lamps and the spotlight from the front room are on) my shutter speed is like a whole second.
Who can sit still for a whole second?

cool snowflake

When the flash is on, it looks like... well, the dead of winter... at night.
check out the freaky cat eyes

And i can see the gingerbread pictures I took yesterday on my camera's viewfinder, but they are not showing up on my PC... only the pix from the day before yesterday are here.

More cool stuff about Snowflakes.
Am I obsessed?

Ok, maybe a little.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Us and Them

There are 2 kinds of people in this world. I am one and Cherie is the other. We are becoming more like each other and I think that's a good thing.

Of course, her house will never be so messy that you couldn't drop by with the photography crew from Good Housekeeping, but she's sometimes able to let go of the fact that her baseboards are "trashed" in order to, say, fix dinner for her family(as if her dinner weren't planned for a week and prepared that morning).

Cherie's House

And I have many more organizational systems in place than I once did. Still, though, my house will never be so clean that you couldn't drop by with the photography crew from Clean Sweep.
My house

Did you know that organizational systems are a living thing? I know this. And yet... my systems fall into disrepair. Either because they are not working and need to be revamped or because I simply don't do the upkeep on the system.

I've talked to both kinds of people. Neither has any concept of how the other functions.

We'll call me a B Type. B Types tell themselves stories like, "My self esteem is not based on how my house looks" and "Having a 'house of order' means having your
priorities, not your desk straightened" and "We creative types thrive on chaos."

We're lying.

Deep down, we know that having a clean space brings a peace to our lives that we cannot obtain any other way and we know (from our limited experience with it) that order gives us the freedom to be more creative. We know that the "mess" rattles our brains and keeps us from doing the things that we are actually good at. In fact, we hardly ever get any satisfaction for doing the things that we are good at because WE CAN'T EVEN KEEP UP WITH THE BASIC NECESSITIES of running a healthy, functional home. Just like in the 4th grade: Miss Campbell wouldn't let me do the art projects because my math wasn't done. By the 4th grade, I had already identified myself as an artist. I failed art. In the 4th grade. How could I fail 4th grade art? Unless, well, I'm a failure.

But that should be a different post. They aren't judging us. At least not on purpose, but A Types really just don't get us. They wonder and are baffled that we just don't pull it together. They think maybe we don't want a clean house. That possibly we actually like germs or chaos or disorder. That maybe filth is where we find our odd brand of happiness. Truly, they know how much easier their lives are because they are organized and they do what they do TO MAKE THEIR LIVES EASIER. Heh. My favorite quote is,

"organized people are just too lazy to look for stuff."

Because it makes me laugh... And if i didn't laugh, i would cry.


The lies we tell ourselves? We do it to survive. We do it to justify, i guess, the fact that we simply do not have the strength or the knowledge or the skill or the willpower... the whateveritisyouAtypepeoplehavethatwedon't. We are baffled, too. If we knew what
it was, or how to get it, don't you think we would?

We buy books about
it. We collect them. Sometimes we find both the books (amid the drifts of clutter and pet dander) and the time and strength to actually read these books. We study it. We interview organized people about how they do it. We are even fascinated when we "meet" people like Julie Morgenstern, who claim in O Magazine to have once been one of us. This kindles the flame. Keeps the hope alive that we too may, one day, aspire to attain the status of "organized."

Because, really, they are "right" and we are "wrong" right? They are "good" and we are "bad." Don't try to say no. Do they want to be us? No. Do we wish we were like them? You betcha.
Again, the stories we tell ourselves about the fact that A types are mentally ill. Neurotic. They must be, to be so all consumed with such "trivialities."

Lies, I tell you, all lies. We would trade places in a heart beat (and just take our creative minds with us. hah! oh... wait, that wouldn't work).

I'm not blaming Julie. I think her ideas are great. I'm thrilled that she has become an effective person. I think learning organizational skills is important. I have learned lots of skills from my friendship with Cherie. Maybe the problem is that deep down i don't believe i deserve to or have the potential of being effective/having a fulfilling life. Or maybe my brain just will never work that way. Maybe I would be happier if I stopped trying. I think many of us (B Types) get to that point. Sooner than later.

Sorry this is such a depressing post. I'm to that point I guess. I spent the morning happily dejunking the mudroom with my son, congratulating myself that i could say, when
this son graduated from medical/law school, "You know, the only difference was that i worked with this son. Taught him the value of hard work by example. Yes, that's just what i did."

And then at 11:00, the phone rang. It was Mr. LeFevre. Upon hearing our son's voice in the background, he asks, "Didn't you take him to preschool?"

Why does that make me a failure? And yet, somehow, it does. And if I called Cherie, bless her heart, she would say, "You mean, you don't have 'Preschool' written in your planner?" Why would I need to write "Preschool" in my planner? How could I forget preschool? He loves preschool. Truth is, sometimes (only because she has said this before), I do write "Preschool" in my planner. And sometimes, I even look at my planner before 9:30 A.M. And sometimes, the words even make sense to me through the fog of my "creative mind." Just not today.

I am a failure. This erases all the good i have ever done. ever. And it stops me. I haven't even finished cleaning the mudroom. Maybe I'll go get a chocolate truffle from Costco out of the storage room. or a cherry vanilla diet Dr. Pepper. or a piece of australian black licorice. Oh, wait. I've already done those things. Maybe I'll just go switch over the laundry. After all, "Laundry" is written on my planner. December 7. Laundry.